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Risk Rant Rhyme
Get Your Wings (Reviews)
Updated: Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Risk lovers, rejoice! A new version of Risk was recently released. As I’ve mentioned before, I have a soft spot for Risk. When I was a kid, it was one of the few games that I could get other members of my family to play with me, and my step brother and I used to play day-long games of it over the summer.

So what innovations can we look forward to in this variation of the classic confrontation for world domination. New win conditions? A new twist on an evolving legacy environment? Let’s see it’s… Risk: The Dalek Invasion of Earth. Oh, it’s another Risk franchise tie-in. A Doctor Who one this time. Because apparently that's something that as a society we're going to let happen now. Yippie.

Oh, Risk, why do you… couldn’t you just… are you even trying anymore? Okay, it’s true that every now and then you come through with a well designed new concept, but its seems that lately, more often than not, you just rebrand... repackage… same old… I mean, it just seems lazy to… aarg! I’m so frustrated that I can’t even get the words out.

Alright, old friend. It looks like the only way I’m only going to get my point across is take this conversation to the next level; by using the most efficient form of communication devised by man: the battle rap. Here goes...

Risk Rant Rhyme
Tsk, tsk, Risk.
The point you’ve missed.
I used to play you every Saturday,
and it was bliss.

Whenever I was able,
I’d have you hit the table.
Being my favorite game,
You once were capable.

Your pretty plastic pieces,
I just can't resist.
But all these recent versions?
Make me wanna clench my fist.

With what you have been up to,
consider bidding you “adieu”.
Like professor Naught would say,
“I’m here to warn you!”

You hit the scene
in '59,
and for twenty-seven years,
all was fine.

Then released the version Castle.
It had some class, still,
it got a little hassle.
Not even reviewed by Vasel.

At the turn of last century,
Risk 2210 A.D.
Mechanized troops on land and sea,
as you hoard up energy.

Now call me a joker,
But Godstorm's no choker.
Except for its two shades of brown...
I’m sorry, “ochre”.

Lord Of The Rings,
and Return Of The King,
introduced us to leaders,
and came with bling.

But then you were misled,
licensing things instead.
A version based on Autobots?
Oh Hasbro, make it stop!

Then Risk: Reinvention,
Black Ops in an alt dimension.
Reissue the original?
Do you pay attention?!?

You’re out of ideas here.
A copy based on Metal Gear?
And do we really need six versions
of Risk released a year?

But then came Legacy,
A breath of fresh air to me.
Regained some credibility,
I opened each pack breathlessly!

Legacy made me aglow.
But, then came Halo.
Another franchise tie-in?
How low will you go?

"Let’s license Starcraft!"
"Ride the wave of Star Wars!"
"Cash in on Mass Effect!"
"Get in bed with The Walking Dead!"

Plants vs. Zombies Risk?
"Two games in one!"
But remind me again,
which was the fun one?

Your desperation’s showing.
These versions are all blowing.
And I bet that you’re knowing
where this is going.

Risk: Doctor Who?
Ooh, throw it in the stew.
Another uninspired brew,
now on sale for you.

You think you have a blank check?
Stop acting like a Dalek,

Allow me to elucidate:
It is not too late.
Don’t just imitate,
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